It has been one week since Caitlyn passed away. I get up every morning and go through the motions and put on my costume of a strong mother, So that the boys won't see that part of their mother has died too. I make it through the days and wait for the sun to set. That is when I can take off my costume, get into bed, pull the covers over my head and escape this hell through sleep. This first week felt like she was still with us just in her room sleeping or spending the night at her grandparents house. But now it is hitting me that none of those are the case. I only let myself think about how sad and lonely I feel inside for a few moments. For I fear it will wash over me like a wave and I will drown. I sit in her room for only a few minutes a day and then pull myself out before it's too late and I find myself never leaving. For me I feel grief is not something I can feel all at once. I have to allow myself to experience it only in bits and pieces at a time or I feel I may disappear.
The boys had a great birthday and the mothers and friends from STS put on such a great surprise birthday party for the boys that it really made their day. Also thanks to Midtown athletic club for hosting the party. Thank you all so much for thinking ahead for the boys happiness. Also my dad John, Margaret and myself worked hard this week and planted a Caitlyn garden in the yard. It looks great. Just when we finished planting everything we got that big rain storm on Wednesday. We all laughed that it was Caitlyn saying " no more little watering cans for me. Look what I can do". And she watered those flowers good.
Thank you to everyone who has helped us and sent cards to us. Thank you for holding us all in your prayers we truly need them now.
Kara
